What am I doing? Oh just trying saving your life

Yeah so ages ago I asked for everybody to send me all their problems and I promised that I would do my best to help. Well, today is the day! I can't promise it's going to be as good as Jezebels "pot psychology", but hey! we don't need ILLICIT SUBSTANCES to have a good time/give incredible advice to all our brothers and sisters in need. All we need, is love.

(tried to get kitty to help with advice but she is a real bitch. next time i'll have a VERY special guest)

HELPTIME #1

Q. I haven't been to Christchurch for months, but it's almost Christmas and I'm Homeward Bound (Good movie - luv helpless animals) Where are the cool places to hang out? Is C1 still the place to be? Has Andhy Blake scared all the altbros away by asking them to model for him? What about Picasso Cafe? - H8 living in Wellington. There's nowhere that lets me use toilet paper as a napkin.
Yrs Truly, Cam.

PS. Luv it when people spell their name with zany extra letters to let y'all know they're an authentic Christchurch fashion presence/commentator. <3>

Yrs Truly, Cahm.

A. Wow Ca(h)m, I guess you have a lot to catch up on. Andhy Blake doesn't even work at C1 anymore.

side note alert, Andhy Blake, pretty meaningful to the christchurch fashion scene. where would we be without style christchurch? all those boutiques on high street probably wouldn't even exist.

Don't worry, he hasn't strayed far, he now has a snazzy new position at Plume. Guess it gives him a better chance to focus on style christchurch/chat up visiting stylists/designers/fashion schmoozers. Anyway, enough Andhy. More Cahm. I guess c1 is still the cool place to hang out, I mean, just look at yr fave bloggers hanging out having a meaningful/beautiful/happy time there at 10AM on christmas eve;

But seriously, have you been to Antonios? probably the best place in christchurch. small japanese bar owned/operated by a miraculous/eccentric man named Antonio. Highly reccomend! btw it's very tiny so don't move a whole party there, it could be a little awkward. or totally comfortable and cozy. who knows. get to yr yellow pages and hit that shit up.

HELPTIME #2
Q. where is the best place to get keut stockingz in chch? and how do i tell a shy altboy i love him without making him cry/write songs about it? H0PE U KAN HALLP.

A. Hey Gurl. Stockings, okay, don't rely on price as a way to gauge what the best tights are. 2 weeks ago I spent $25 on a pair of stockings (ridiculous I KNOW but I thought that they would heal my broken heart) but they just ended up laddering pretty much as soon as I put them on. Such a shame! I recommend columbine, 70 deniers, from Ballentynes. They're about $15 I think, they are incredible. So incredible that you'll run to the toilets so you can put them on before you leave the store. Now, in regards to your second ~issue~, my main advice is to stalk him extensively to ensure he is not hung up on some other girl (nothing hurts more than rejection! nothing is worse than lying awake at night trying to figure out what she's got that you haven't/where you went wrong) I don't know why you wouldn't want a shy altboy to cry about you/write songs about yr luv. I dream of that. What kind of girl are you? Maybe you could tell him yr feelingz THEN follow it with a really hilarious joke. How could he cry unless they are tears of laughter? You should probably just embrace his emotional ways, gurl, you can't change a man but you can learn to love him just the way he is! or you can just find somebody else whom isn't going to cry at the drop of a hat. maybz hang out somewhere that is a hotbed of masculinity? the woolston working mens club? hope yr not too hung up on age differences eh.

HELPTIME #3
Q.
Whyz is she torturing kitties/pussies? Is Oliver Twist as important to the scene as Gatzby? totes hope you can answer and give me meaning to my life.

A. Wow, um. Intense. She is intense. I think thats the best answer. Oliver Twist, tots as important to the scene as Gatzby. People begging for food ~plz sir may i have some more~ is pretty much just every scene outsider (like me) trying their best to be meaningful. even if it means begging, clawing for that incomparable milk of wonder so that they can suckle on that pap of life (really, really authentic gatzby reference) Scene Princess, i'm sorry that i couldn't have gifted you (even if it is christmas) more meaning to your life. i bet it's already pretty meaningful as it is, living in christchurch will do that to you.



Well, that is all for this week! Keep your questions coming in (simone.jade@gmail.com)

It will be incredible, I promise. Brother/sisterhood is alive and well in Christchurch. ~NEXT WEEK SUPER SPECIAL GUEST AGONY AUNT~

MEANINGFUL ALBUMS OF 2k8

YRGOLDENAGE hopes not to just raise awareness about important/meaningful scenesters/gossip but also focus on local music, because being alt in CHCH isn't just wearing expensive clothes from H & O/ cheap clothes from FRYMD CLTHNG WRHSE/ going to alt gallery openings/ drinking cask and having good times at alt parties, but its really about being "all about the music". For those impressed with the degree of self importance that this blog has bestowed upon itself, its not really about us, it has always been "about the muzik":

Dont let YGA define yr response to being alt in CHCH, comment on the blog and "get involved" in the scene.

"It’s not as underground as Wellington and not as pop as Auckland."---------------------Ross Herrick, manager of the Dux de Lux

Or make a band/blog/ something meaningful such as a :

• clothing swapmeet
• mixtape party- h8 the way Craftlovefuck tried to integrate this unsuccessfully
• craftfair- <3>
• bike adventure- only on pre 1980s bikes- nething else is "affected"
• chch architectural history field tripz- "just checking out the Cecil Woods y'all"
• kite flying party - "just want my life to be Rushmore"/let Wes Anderson define yr alt life - ages 16- 25.
• something else that is alt and keut, but also meaningful. CHCH is full of alt opportunities waiting to be explored, CHOOSE.YR.OWN.ADVENTURE
  

However it is deeply important at the end of the year that local tastemakers define what music was meaningful/important that year because otherwise you might be kinda lost or something, aimlessly traversing the train-tracks of local musik:

"some lyrics about trains"- every The Eastern Song

"Clearly there is no shortage of talent - just a lack of information and knowledge"--------------------Jenna-Lea Philpott, Creative Industries Project Leader at the CDC

Probz, without the guidance of YGA, you would be just hitting up the new GLXY RCRDS store on Manchester Rd and picking albums randomly. Remember, not all local indie music is really good- "the decievers"/ tho most is.

10. Insurgents - All the Stupid Smiling Faces

And to think that this album almost never came about. The Insurgents played one final show 'for the fans' at the Media Club earlier in 2k8, not evening imagining in their wildest dreams that their performance would be heard by world-wide legend and owner of Failsafe Records, Rob Mayes. Mayes soon signed on the quartet for a big Record Deal. Been luvin' smiling stupidly to this opulent album of 'songz about gurlz'/'saving money'/'being rebellious'. Also, I lyke the backstory to Camille: that song is probz the "Gurl from da North Country " of the CHCH scene.

If you're traveling in the north country fair
Remember me to one who lives there
For she was once a true love of mine
---------------------------Bob Dylan

We were born alone and we will die alone too------------Insurgentz/Mike 'The Streetz' Skinner

9. Clap Clap Riot - TV Knows Better

Glad to see CHCHers 'make good' in 'the big smoke'. Still preferrd when their name was Band Theft Auto. Lyke, remember that review in the Press where scene godmotherz Miriama McDonald/Vicki Anderson congratulated them not so much on their music, but that they were "probably the best-named band of the night".

Probably the best-named band of the night-----------------the press, 2k6

8. The Transistors - Brand New Suit

(too indie for an image)

Luv this one-minute one-track album. 7 inches of rawk 'n' roll but definitely also redefining how society defines the definition of 'album'. Because you don't need long songs to tour with the mint chicks------just whanau in high places.

7. Enright House - Six Acoustic Renditions

Epic, yet fragile. Much like the personality behind this masterwork. Maybz words spoil the purity of his Super-Soaker-reverberated guitars/toilet-paper artwork.

5. Dudley Benson - The Awakening

Meaningful.

4. Bang Bang Echies- Debut E.P

Meaningful and profound music from CHCHs most important band, w/ art by NZ's foremost partypic entreprenuer's GF. Could go into more detailz, but yr heads would explode from how meta it all is.

Dirt in the water!/Dirt in the water!/Dirt in the water!/Dirt in teh water etc. etc.---------------------------The Bang Bang Echiez

3. Pop Hits City- Debut E.P

PHC have always been the most attractive bros/babe on the scene, their live show pretty much consists of pure sexual tension alone. That is sexual tension between me and Laura Lee. I have always felt a certain connection/intimacy with Laura. Maybe it is her eyes, or the way her hair softly falls on her face catching the glaring stage lights of the scene, but there has always been something powerful about the magnetism between Laura and me. It was pure, but here on their debut e.p, it has become something holy. Something religious.

2. TigerTones- Debut Album

The Tiger Tones look boldly into a future where their music redefines what it means to be alt/important in CHCH on the cover to their debut self titled album. Marky Mark (top right) defiantly stares at a future where every alt club/mainstream bar in CHCH/NZ is pumping out his thudding beatz and auto-tuned vocals, pervading everything with a dangerous glow, cascading like neon lights in the Chancery Lane. James T. Tones (top left) is worried, what will NZ make of their music? He grasps Ashlin T. Tones (bottom left), who doesn't really give a fuck. I wouldn't either if I had that amazing crevatte, I would probably just sit around all the time looking at it. Andy T. Tones (bottom right) , is so caught up in the moment and typography that it is all a little overwhelming for him.

I felt overwhelmed, maybe all CHCH is overwhelmed by this album, it is going to take at least another twenty years for its impact to really sink in.

Where were you when The Tiger Tones released their debut album?

1. O LOVEZ- Debut Album

Laura Lee Watson has many talents, just ask Matt Scobie, but songwriting is clearly her number one. There are sometimes hours that go by when I dont listen to this album/think about it, but when those hours pass I am always filled with a deep sense of regret/longing for her meaningful songs/vocal delivery and find myself playing it again and again, letting the buzzsaw synth riffs and "perfect mix of style, substance, tragedy and comedy" deeply impact me/make me never want to leave CHCH. Its hard to pinpoint a favourite song, each one is sufficed with so much meaning/authenticity/good times.

Positives of the album

• Good for alt parties with alt babez who are just out for a "good time"
  
• Good for introspective listening where the subtleties of Joe Sampson's guitar parts and Matt Scobie's inventive/powerful drumming combine to create something not solely defined by its influences but is truly authentic/meaningful.
• Good for good vibes after purchasing for supporting local artists/being involved in the CHCH scene

Negatives

• Not long enough, (only nine tracks, even though the last track "Spacesuits"- incidentally also totally amazing, goes for 7.43 mins- just wanted it to keep going foreva)
• No other negatives, it is really rad.

HELP Y'ALL/how am i supposed to pretend that i never want to see you again?

Now that the mystery has been solved as to the mysterious bloggers are...

"WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS AND WHY AREN'T THEY WRITING ABOUT ME" - some cutie on ook 2k8

... I want y'all to trust us, no more golden veil of secrecy! when you see us down at c1/authentic gallery opening/contempy lounge, just want y'all to smile and wave. perhaps do a stop and chat too? let us take some piccys of you and let us ask you about yr fashion/fave christchurch band(or supergroup)? but hey, got another request too. as the only girl blogger, i want yr trust! don't want y'all to think i am just some bitch who stands around with a mean judgemental look on my face. bad body language hrh metz! what kindof sisterhood is she trying to promote?

ugh, don't go to her with all yr problems. come to me. i can help you with all your issues, honestly! don't write into that bitch polly gillespie in womans day with all your problems, she doesn't know anything. she doesn't understand the needs of a hipster living in christchurch, she'll never understand how difficult it is! if i open up, will y'all open up too?

issues that have plagued me lately:

• just wanting to sleep with each and every member of mount pleasure
  
• gambling addiction
• sexual harassment in the workplace (creepy tony, yr not alt enough for my needz)
  
• difficulties in establishing my personal brand in the workplace, hate corporate life. it isn't worth the money. it's totally the worse when some hot hipster babe comes in and they just think i am some boring ho that doesn't "get it" because of my ponytail/pinstripe shirt/pantihose sans keut ladders
• having to ride around on a bike that is very new (FUCK KONA AND THEIR INAUTHENTIC BIKES) and not a fixed gear. how long until i have no friends?
• wearing the same cardigan 3 days in a row, even after wearing it whilst swimming in the botanical gardens kiddy pool (at night ~ authentic, highly recommend! just don't let any of yr friends take pix because honestly y'all, who looks good after half a cask)
• being 20 and still living with my mother, totz norman bates. just wanna live in an apartment on poplar lane
  

um yeah, so now that you know all of my problems you can:

a) give me some sound advice
b) send me all yr problems/issues/worries about the scene to simone.jade@gmail.com (or since university is over, email me on my webmail! that baby hasn't had any action for weeks! sjg156@canterbury.ac.nz) and i will help you out! if you are a bro then i'm more than certain my fellow bloggers will help you too!

It is just one big melting pot of sister/brotherhood on yrgoldenage. together, we can make things better, real comfortable. don't want any awkward couch sitting. just wanna pose for blurry mirror shots with everybody.

male lolitas of the CHCH scene

hey, i don't know know if you guyz know/care about these young kidz called " joe from 1993"/"alex the owl" (pretty much the same person?), pretty sure they has been comprehensively covered by other important local blogs. Maybz writing about them on this blog gives them more a little more validity (maybz)/more exposure (definitely) or something, but yeah, whatever alternative world these kids occupies is pretty surreal.

Its pretty hard to gauge their "impact" on the scene as they can't get into the most meaningful local gigs= DA KLAPPIEZ, but one is at least memorable by sight for me and I have happy memories of trying to drown out his conversation with alt beatz/hearing him talking about hardcore muzik with some mainstream broz on the 3 Sumner/ seeing him getting picked up by his mum after an important Heath Ledger film in Sumner.



I don't actually know if this kid is alextheowl, or joefrom1993,

"not-not straight enough to know"- Simone J. Gordon

I just guessed. I think I might be wrong, but lil pic of Eamonn too touching to not post, that jumper is the stuff American Christmas movies/sexual fantasies are made of.

~SIDENOTE ALERT~ Are both of these alt-teens trying to be characters from the Home Alone Franchise?

Eamonn, maybz a cross between the I-talian and Jewish villains of "Home Alone 2. Lost in New York." (Did you guyz ever notice the way that both of them are heavily stereotyped depictions of ethnic minorities of New York, in comparison with the All American Culkin? Did it have an important formative influence on you?)

Thinking back, is that film really weird or what? Two older men trying to get their hands all over Macaulay Culkin? Trapping him in a house? No wonder Macauly never achieved anything post Home Alone, apart from a meaningful friendship with Michael Jackson and getting busted for marijuana possession in 2k7. You would too, if it happened to you.

That kid (striking resemblance to Alex/Joe) is probz now as washed up as Culkin. Is the Home Alone Franchise the worst thing to ever happen to child actors?

Kinda reminds me of Gatsby, (Thanks Simone for making Gatsby the most important book in the CHCH Scene)

"They were careless people, they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made" F.Scott Fitzgerald=Totz Meaningful

Sorry for getting sidetracked, Home Alone does that to you.

Anyway these kidz are pretty "entry level", seen (scene?) that one at a few meaningful local AA gigz/wearing important local bandz tees (are B!B!E! 2k8 Salmon Teeshirts from Craftlovefuck going to be really meaningful in twenty yearz "Yeah I was there when The Eche had a female singer, NVR FRGT Y'ALL") I guess they are just enjoying going out and living the underage dream of checking out bands and trying to define their own unique response to being alternative in CHCH.

I think maybz its more meaningful to make authentic muzik/craft art than blog posts, but then defining yr own alt scene based on youtube vids is clearly another important approach, you know, for the kidz increasingly disenchanted by bandz that are too cool for the all ages scene. Sometimes the enright house just isn't cool/meaningful enough, pretty sure the kids are spending all their time watching the "Pop Eats Pop" video on repeat, hoping that The Tiger Tones will play an all ages show.

BTW How come there aren't 18,000 ppl at The Tiger Tones gigs? If only Youtube was real life.




This kid is so huge its almost unbelievable, 3,976 subscribers (just for context, yrgoldenage had at our pinnacle two weeks ago, when our posts were more controversial/authentic, two subscribers) The Joefrom1993 is like ross "singer/model" heath's level of hotness big. He is OOK big, he even has his own forum. Don't know about Alex the Owl, probz just coasting on the success of his more authentic bff= like Warblez coasting off red panda executive links.

But unravelling the success of a young alt grappling with his sexuality/ being alt in chch, reveals some secrets probz best left unrevealed. Lets just say I had never, and definitely will never ever again, go on this website Milk Boys.

I was going to write a witty response or something, but its hard to type when you are this frightened. This is like when Da Klappies wanted to Ban-yo me in the face, except my whole skin is crawling. There are lots of weird blogs on the internet like this, filled with dudes/and maybz babez who love teenage boyz.

This is a small sample of the posts. This is just like ordinary guyz writing about their love of this kid. But it gets worse.

Unedited and directly quoted from Milk Boyz
Uncle Sidney says:
November 6th, 2008 at 04:07

"As I said on my blog. This Joe is just what he looks like. An immature playful little boy. Not a very nice boy either.

Is everyone so blinded by the fact that this is a male lolita that they’ll put up with ‘anything’ he does. Including leading us to believe he was in mortal danger for days. Then pretending that nothing happened. Now he gives you soft porn, and you drink it up, and wait for more.

We’ve all been, and are being played with. We’re being had by a child.

Hey I’m a boylover. I’ve seen this before.

This is not a good thing for either him or us."

I dont want to make a moral judgement here, I am inclined to reserve all judgements, its a matter of infinite hope. But I feel a little queasy. This whole saga takes a ridiculous personal turn, when a German dude facebooked me for weeks trying to get in contact with this guy.

You can share in meaningful conversations where he opens up to you about his appreciation of gay people. It was a crazy week of my life. Still dont really like going on facebook, just in case he asks me about my search for a penfriend for him. He is really desperate for one. And fifteen year old alt-teens who make confusing video blogs. I guess I just dont "get it"

miss u

i don't know if you guys got the facebook event invitation or anything (don't worry, even i was rejected at first, by a fellow controversial blogger and everything)

so yes, anyway, last friday there was this really great gig on at the wunderbar, filled with local talent and . shes pretty scary y'all, at one point i couldn't find my wallet and was damn sure that she had stolen it from my bag while i was chatting up various members of mount plez. found it later though, sorry  . i don't usually go to gigs for the music. this time was no exception. i could taste the taste of life at its most tender. yum. glad the exes all made it. luv people being able to just 'be friends' and maybe get a dry 'kiss on the cheek' at the end of the night, like 'friends'.

"best friends/for a while/she won't see him/he won't smile" - Mount Pleasant

maybz a bit of missing the good timez and lite desire but still happy to see yr boy/girl redefining themselves as their own person. glad there was no awkward hookups. the only lusty moments of the nite was musical adultery/lauralee 'making it' with the mic. (sidenote alert: lauralee: hot/not babe? not not-straight enough to know).

(This photo is pretty meaningful, who knows what secrets are unravelling behind those beautiful eyes, probably hot ones involving matt scoobie scobes - still can't believe they used to date y'all)

relationships are like o'lovelys records: kinda okay at first, but quickly disintegrate into dull ("but tight!") insipidity. maybz relationships are not really like o'lovelys records, but o'lovelys records are still like o'lovelys records. (still waiting for that third chord) [have you ever noticed how every o'lovelys/phc song only has two chords?] but nah, they're still pretty good aye, like, that lauralee chick is real nice and has a lot of drive to 'make[ing] it' in the music industry. she may be on good morning one day and maybz even get to have her stage name in capitals. (heard she trained with hayley westenra).

Sorry everyone, lets get back on track.

Breakups of late (all in bands on friday):

darian + woah nellie

probably the saddest breakup of the year. darian, what a tool. look at him flaunting his smooth moves/skin at the other hot event of the weekend (yrgoldenageIRL/exclusive). what look is he actually going for here? is he trying to like, challenge will macfarlane as our scenez resident

i-talian ?

sigh~

simone j. gordon+ richy marks

tough times y'all. at least i am just embracing my new found freedom by being "on the prowl" 24/7 (not actually, thanks anyway though)

jon + rosa,

just hoping for another emotional post on his blog y'all.

will + jade

(not sure if they have broken up yet, whats with CHCH hipsters dating younger babes, its pretty much lolita (lolzlita?)

fuzzmins

hope they can still make beautiful muzik ala PIGOUT/The Brunettes (Nick Heart is pretty sexy y'all), even though the relationship is dead, keep the muzik alive.

are there any couples left in christchurch? is it going to turn into some amazing scene orgy where everyone is fucking each other. thats what orgy means, like lots of people fucking each other in a room. cum and loose morals scattered all over somebody's bedroom.

talking of loose morals and cum everywhere,

just hope ashlin and james stay together, if they break up the scene might like self implode because everyone will be too busy fucking each other at their places.

All this thinking about relationships has made me reappraise my earlier analogy about relationships, maybz they arent like the olovez debut album (tho it still is pretty shit), maybz they are like CALOHUM - lots of shit bandz, but you have to at least sift through the shitty bands from the golden ones

Once you find it, hold onto that elusive dream.

"He wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly, he could find out what that thing was." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

TOTZ AUTHENTIC "GATZ"BY REFERENCE. have you read the great gatsby? it pretty much is the CHCH scene, except with more money and more scene deaths.

READ IT>>LOVE IT>>LIVE IT

scaryness

hey, so its been like a really scary couple of weeks everyone. its been like that scene [like movie scene, not alt muzik scene lolz] in that movie "the shining", except like jack nicholson didn't actually come around to my house with an axe

and i guess I am not a woman or anything. But in its own way, commenting threatening messages on other ppls barely read blogs, is pretty much the same. Did you guyz see this on starlifter.tv?

(probz not aye, dont read aye, "waaay hard to read" - Mr. Matthew McD.I.C.K 2k8 )

Theres this comment by some local dude who didn't like the blog at all. i don't even know who this guy is, must be a really big fan of local scene celebrity eamonn or sumthing?

ed frampton
November 26, 2008 at 5:01 am

"im going to assault you with a weapon when i find out the name on your birth certificate,ed frampton"

This was pretty scary y'all, i think he really doesn't like me or something or the blog, i just dont know aye. This is nothing on what happened on da Mt Plez myspace.

This is a lil pic of a CHCH band called The Klap, i don't know if you guyz know them? Have you seen this video before they had "defined their personal brand",

That video is probably the best use of "Pirate Island Mini Golf" in any local scene muzik video - ( have you played that course?the hole in the cave with the hill is pretty impossible lolz) I dont know about you guyz but I kinda felt like they actually were pirates or sumthing. The way they have like raided their way onto the CHCH muzik scene, and into my heart with their sense of humour and banjo threats= pretty meaningful/important. Where were you when Da Klap won RounDUp2k8? How did you feel? Were you sharing "Poet Ross's" joy and happiness at being showered in coloured paper?


FLASHBACK y'all



Is being showered by coloured paper an initiation ritual for Christchurch Royalty? Or is it just a reflection of the colourful personalities that make up the CHCH scene? I dont know aye, what do you guyz think?

SORRY BOUT GETTING SIDETRACKED!!!

this is a public message DA KLAPPIEZ sent to the MT PLEZ myspace:

1 Dec 2008 11:00 p.m. (Day before my bday y'all, i consider it like an early bday present from my fav. band in chch)

"looking forward to your authentically emotche show on friday. we're taking the vans out with the tig t's. who the fuck is this guy is gonna banj yo in the face... awesome!"

woah, intense y'all. I just wanted to raise awareness about important local bandz, and in return get sweet puns/threats? like "banj yo in the face" and vague attempts at imitation of HRO from the Klap - "...authentically", "emotche" - kinda confused at what this means aye, "...awesome"?

But yeah, brave jokes aside, feeling kinda worried y'all. Is my life going to end like a Guy Ritchie film/notable Klap Video ?


Are they going to bury me (in either backwards or fowards motion) in a disused lot in Woolston ? Am I "not going to be getting younger" © DA KLAPPIES 2008?

Just wonderin, Is that song maybe a reflection of the timeless quality of their music? Or is it maybz more about that they are growing up and are above petty scene disputes with minor scenesters who write satirical blogs about their band? Just want answers y'all)

Lets just say, I haven't been in cartel for a while. Kinda missing the place you know. They do these really amazing g & ts with cucumber, its also a great place for young romance on the scene. All i want in life is romance, and da klappies to release their debut album.